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Here's a 1999 rant from The New Tetris:
*************START LUPIN RANT FOR 50 MOST HATED THINGS********************
1] Idiot teens hanging out in front of 7'11s, KFC, McDonalds, Jack In The Box etc... Your life REALLY SUCKS if that's the high point of your day...
2] A$$holes who spit on the sidewalk.
3] Drivers who don't know how to use a turn signal. I can reach mine with my pinky while driving. It's not that hard.
4] Teens with their pants around their a$$.
5] People with personalized licence plates.
6] BMX bikes.
7] People panhandling me. Get a job losers! McDonalds is always hiring!
8] Bums with dogs. I'm sure the dog loves eating cheese from old pizza boxes.
9] The cheeseheads from asia who take a Honda Civic, slap some stickers on it, put a muffler on it that makes it sound like a riding lawnmower, a ridiculous sized fin on the back and think they have a formula 1 racer. 'Devastating Power!' my a$$!
10] The same idiots who then drive their 'hot' civic like they are in the Indy 500 through busy traffic.
11] The huge complex hairdos on african american women, 5 layers, 6000 curls, 4 sprouting areas, 200 dangling bits, 6000 beads, air conditioning and enough hairspray in it that it wouldn't move if Hurricane George hit it.
12] People with Kleenex, plants, knitted blankets, stuffed animals, or lacey things in their cars rear window. I should be allowed to pull over and shoot them.
13] People on the bus who talk so loud your forced to hear about their pointless lives.
14] Crappy parkers who park their car REALLY close to the painted line so that you have half a foot to get out.
15] Those old cars (ie, Cadillacs, Lincoln Town Cars, etc...)usually white for some strange reason... with the acient driver who always drives WAY under the speed limit.
16] People who write a cheque for a $2 bag of nachos at Safeway.
17] Corvettes, Comaros and Firebirds. Come on, the 80s are OVER!
18] A$$hole tailgaters.
19] Idiots who think they can pedal a bike as fast as a car, so they ride in the middle of a traffic lane. You should be allowed to run them over, it looks like natural selection to me.
20] Teenagers on television news reports expressing their opinions on something. If your under 18 I don't give a sh1t about what you have to say...
21] The singer Brandy, Celine Dion, all the divas....
22] Twits who wear a huge parka outside when its sunny and a mild 5-10 C. The same thing goes with the whole scarf thing.
23] Muni busses that smell like urine. Which is most of them.
24] Corporate Broadcasting logos in the corner of the channel your watching.
25] Web pages that pop open other pages and windows and then disable your 'back' button.
26] People who walk around with a huge 'portable' stereos blaring, sharing their music with everyone around them. Usually crap rap.
27] Junk mail.
28] Peice of sh1t cars that spew out huge noxious clouds behind them.
29] People that throw out huge items on the curb expecting the garbage people to remove it. Like old dirty matresses. They don't of course, and it sits on the curb for weeks.
30] Budweiser beer and the people who drink it. I'd rather suck the piss out of a pig... Its time to poison the bud.
31] Drivers who turn onto the road RIGHT in front of you causing you to slam on the brakes, even though there is no one for hundereds of feet behind you.
32] People who drive 3/4 in one lane and 1/4 in another... what the hell is that????
33] Religous people who push their drivel on you when your walking down the street. Or come knocking on your door.
34] Dead web page links and 'Document not found' errors.
35] Racisist people and the crap they spew out.
36] Those stupid add banners from Geocities on the Internet when you hit someones home page going through them...
37] All country music.
39] People who spray paint their names on rocks, signs, trees etc, in national parks. Like I care that Bill graduated in 86.
40] Small yappy 'feeder' dogs. Like little Yorkies, poodles, etc...
41] People in the fast lane who drive just 2 km/hr faster than the guy in the 'slow' lane, dawdling along.
42] Film crews making bad movies most people doent want to see blocking the streets and being annoying.
43] Big fat bugs that splat on my windshield.
44] Those really tight spandex cycling pants on men, they are usually sooooo tight, you can tell if they are cirumcised.
45] Those really tight spandex cycling pants on 90% of the women. Big fat a$$es and *wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide* camel toes.
46] Those really annoying commericals from Rogers Cable that tell you all about the 'evils' of satalite tv and how lucky you are to be getting cable for a mere $65 a month.
47] Commercials that are SO bad on tv, you have to wonder about the sh1t for brains who thought them up. Like the Old Navy commericals, or the old as hell commercial for Sarah Lee, that is STILL ON THE AIR, 'let them eat cake' and 'But Patrick, I'm to old for life insurance.' Shoot them ALL!
48] Losers that listen to totally cheezy radio stations and then slap dozens of their stupid stickers all over thier car.
49] Lilith Fair. I say when they are all hugging, listening to the music, sharing tampons, and bitching about how evil men are, toss in a few hundered grenades while recording it on camera. Sell the video as a 'To Hot for TV' tape late at night.
50] Cheap a$$ manufacturers of DVDs who list as 'features' chapters, interactive menues, and the time. These arent features. Thats like calling your computers keyboard a 'feature'. Lame a$$ marketing people.
51] DVD manufactureres that sell their DVDs for $40 and up, just because they know people will pay for it. DVDs have actually become MORE expensive than when they first came out.
52] Nintendo and everything about them.
53] Old people who clog up the sidewalk walking super slow when you want to get somewhere.
54] Looking at demo-reels at work that are so incredibly bad, that I just want to call them up and tell them to go f*ck their demo reel and to never EVER send another one out to anybody. EVER.
55] Spiders. All spiders. Everyone of them.
56] How on the Nintendo 64 game machine, half the damn titles for it are called 'miscvidgame 64'. Why not come up with a real name? Why is everyone just slapping a 64 on all the games? ************************************END LUPIN RANT************************
Here's another 1999 rant from The New Tetris:
©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©© © © © This code is © Copyright H2O Entertainment Corp.,1999 © © © ©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©© © © © GET OUT OF OUR CODE YOU FILTHY HACKERS 8-) BITCHES © © © ©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©© © © © CODERS FOR THE NEW TETRIS WERE : © © © © © © LEAD,SYSTEM,AUDIO,ENGINE © M A R T I A L A R T I S T © © © © SPECIAL FX,ASM © F Y S X © © © © SOFTIMAGE DATA CONVERSION © G R A N O L A B O Y © © © © ANIMATION PLAYER © F R E E R A D I C A L © © © © AI © O R I O N © © © © © © NO ONE ELSE DID DICK FUCK ALL FOR CODE SO SHUT YOUR © © FUCKING TRAPS © © © ©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©
And ANOTHER Tetris rant:
I must say, this was a fun time coming down to San Francisco to do The New Tetris. Allthough there were a few problems. First of all being our producer.. D*N, my god.. is this guy useless or what?? I don't hate you D*N.. but you SUCK, and I mean SUCK as a producer. You should go back to testing video games, but I doubt you could even manage that properly. I feel sorry for you. During this project you just sat around and played video games.. starcraft and everquest. Don't even deny that.. when you WERE working, it was making stupid Excel (tm) spreadsheets to try and tell me how many bugs I had left to fix on a graph.. like WTF is that??? who cares.. I have the bug list in front of me, like I need to see it in freaking technicolor. So D*N, I must say this.. hold onto, and fake your job while you can, because once they find out how truely useless you are, you will be out of a job. I cannot think of any skillset you would fit into in this industry, so you better hold on tight. (This guy thought I could save a name in 8.4 BITS.. like umm.. .4 BITS?? WTF is .4 BITS?? its either ON or OFF, not in between... anyhow, Enough about you though.
Here is one from The Hobbit(GBA):
I LIKE MONKEYS. I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys...I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad...I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed...I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad...I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys.
All the Tetris rants were written by the late David Pridie. Dear Dave's ghost: I wish not to face your wrath. I wish to spread your rant. The Monkey shitpost was copy-pasted off the internet anonymously.
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