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Every Jew down in Jew-ville liked Hanukka a lot...
But the Füher, who lived just north of Jew-ville did NOT!
The Füher hated Hanukka! The whole Hanukka season! Now please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be his head just wasn't screwed on quite right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think the most likely reason of all, may have been that his dick was two sizes too small.
"And they're lighting their menorahs!" He snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Hanukka! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Füher fingers nervously drumming.
"I MUST find a way to stop Hanukka from coming!"
But for whatever his reason, his dick or his shoes, he stood there on Hanukka Eve, hating the Jews. Staring down from his cave with a sour, Adolf-y frown at the warm lighted menorahs below in their town. For he knew every Jew down in Jew-ville beneath was busy now, wearing sandals on their feet.
...All the Jew girls and all the Jew boys would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys! And then! Oh, the nose! Oh the nose! Nose! Nose! Nose! That's the one thing he hated! The NOSE! NOSE! NOSE! NOSE!
Then the Jews, young and old, would sit down to a feast. And they'd feast. And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST FEAST FEAST FEAST! They would feast on Jew-pudding, and the rare Jew-roast-beast which was something the Füher couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all! Every Jew down in Jew-ville, the tall and the small, would stand close together, with the Hanukka bells ringing. They'd stand hand and hand. And the Jews would start singing!
They'd sing! and they'd sing! AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING! And the more the Füher thought of this Jew-Hanukka-sing, the more Füher thought "I must stop this whole thing! Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now! I MUST stop stop Hanukka from coming... But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
A final idea!
GOT A FINAL, WONDERFUL IDEA!
"All I need is a rentier..."
The Füher looked around. But since rentier are scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop the old Füher...? No! The grinch simply said, "If I can't find that rentier, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog, Mein. Then he took some red thread and he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
"I know just what to do!" The Füher laughed in his throat. And he made a quick Shutztaffel hat and a coat. And he chuckled, and clucked, "what a great Adolf-y trick! With this coat and this hat I'll look just like the SS!"
Then the Füher said, "giddap!" Then the Volkswagen started down toward the homes where the Jews lay a-snooze in their town.
THEN he loaded some bags. And some old empty sacks. On a ramshackle 'wagon, and he hitched up old Mein.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air. All the Jews were all dreaming sweet dreams without care. When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one." The old Hitler-y Officer hissed. And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight fit. But, if the Schutztaffel can do it, then so could the 'Hit!"
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two. Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue, where the little Jew children all slept in a row.
"These children," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, around the whole room, and he took every present! Money! and money! Money! Money! Money! Money! And money! And he stuffed them in bags. Then the grinch, very nimbly, stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Jews' feast! He took the Jew-pudding! He took the roast beast! He cleaned out that ice box as quick as a flash! Why, that Füher even took the last can of Jew-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with poor handle.
"And NOW!" Grinned the grinch, "I will stuff up that stupid candle!"
And the grinch grabbed the menorah, and he started to shove, when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast and he saw a small Jew!
Right then and right there he snatched her right up! He sent her up the chimney without giving a fuck!
Then the last thing he took was the log for the fire! Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar! On their walls he left nothing but some wire and vandal, and one speck of dust, from that rusty old candle.
Then he did the same thing to all the other Jews' houses, leaving specks of dust from their stupid menorahs.
It was quarter past dawn... All the Jews still sleep'n, all the Jews still a-snooze when he packed up his 'wagon. Packed it up with their presents! their candles! Their dradles! The money! The money! The money! The money!
Three thousand feet up, up the side of Mt. Fuckit, he rode with his lode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Jews!" He was Adolfishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Hanukkka is coming! They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do! Their mouths will hang open for a minute or two then the Jews down in Jew-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Füher, "that I simply MUST hear!" So he paused. And the Füher put his hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad! In fact it was merry! But it couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Jew-ville! The Füher popped out his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Jew down in Jew-ville, the tall and the small, was singing, without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stop Hanukka from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or the other, it came just the same!
And the Füher, with his Füher feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling: "how could it be so? It came with out money! It came with out money! It came without money or money or money!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Füher thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Hanukka," he thought, "doesn't come from anime lore. Maybe Hanukka, perhaps, means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...? Well, in Jew-ville they say, that the Füher's small dick grew three sizes that day! And the minute his dick didn't feel quit so tight, he whizzed with his load through the bright morning light, and he brought back the dradles and the food for the feast!
Burned the Jew-roast-beast!
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